you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
