Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
