You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
