So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
