new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
