i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
