Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
