Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
