If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
