My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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