did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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