I just saw a hot homeless man
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
