any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
