its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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