Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize