I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
