could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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