I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
