puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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