I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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