I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
