I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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