I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
