dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
