i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
