I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize