wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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