i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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