God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize