I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My ATM looks so different sober.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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