All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
