and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
