The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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