I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize