The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
