They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
