i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
