Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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