Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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