Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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