I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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