and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
NoShamevember. You game?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
