woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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