Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
