That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
