A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
