2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
