So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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