I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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