I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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