it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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