Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
