I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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