my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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