its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
