Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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