I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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