I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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